Kittarra's blog

RA, Sjogren's, Pain and what it's doing to my life

I've been in 'some' form of pain and weakness for the past 6 years.  The last two years the pain, at times, becomes uncontrollable.  I was first diagnosed with hypothyroid about 6 months after I had my daughter, Journey.  The doctor in the ER told me that I was just having a bad case of depression and I told him " I've dealt with several forms of depression my entire life- THIS is not depression."  He ran tests and found that I did indeed have a thyroid condition.  Next, I was diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel in both hands (I had surgery in my left hand but held off on my right).  I still had pain, so bad at times, that I can't do 'normal' things like walk, drive, turn the key in the ignition,  vacuum, and sad to say, some days I can barely brush my own hair.  After a while I had more blood work done and was diagnosed with sjogren's syndrome, an auto immune disease that causes my immune system to attack fluids in my body.  This year, I had a doctor inform me that he believes I also have RA (and basic wear and tear arthritis).  I was put on several different medications and they really seemed to be working.  My pain was reduced to a dull ache and I was feeling very hopeful that I'd be able to function and be myself again.  I was shocked when I became pregnant (after being told I'd NEVER conceive- and having my miracle baby- two miracle babies?).  I'm now off of all the medications for sjogren's and RA, at my doctors request.  A lot of women with RA who become pregnant go into a remission period, I am not one of them.   My pain has ended me up in the ER, where the doctors checked me for a blood clot.  They found nothing and sent me home with Vicodin and told me to treat the area with ice.  

The pain is horrible but even worse than that... I hate watching my family have to cover my chores, my responsibilities,  and having to make sacrifices that wouldn't be necessary if I wasn't ill.  I'll admit I have an issue with pride.  I don't like 'being taken care of', and I don't like being a 'victim' of something that is so imaginary to others.  I resent these disorders trying to take my existence and my family's.

I don't like to wear my pain as a badge but I think that people should realize something:

RA is often diagnosed in a woman's child bearing years- it isn't an OLD person disease.

Simple tasks are no longer simple

Enjoy your body while it works for you- live each moment to its fullest.

I'm in pain tonight, and I can't sleep.  I've already took a sleeping pill and that managed to get me 4 hours of rest.  Tomorrow will come and I still have to be a mom, I will still have to get Journey from school, I will still have to clean my house (however it won't be up to my standards), and I still have to go on through the pain.  I know that I have to and I know that there are a lot of people worse off than I am.  

Keep Jeff and Journey in your thoughts and prayers, they have to help with everything that I can't get to on top of their 'normal' routines.  Jeff has been great-  He doesn't complain about having to pick up the slack ( I do see annoyance in his eyes sometimes, but thats cause he hates me being in pain).  He works, he cleans, he tries his best to maintain the house, takes care of Journey when I can't, and he's not getting as much sleep.   Journey gets sad a lot.  She hates that her mom is in pain.  She can remember when things were 'better'.  She wants her mom to be able to help out at her school.  She wants a mom who can go go go...  I can't imagine her emotions.  I've cried watching them try to live this trying time.  

Even though the pain and weakness are excruciating,  I think the emotional toll that this illness has brought to me is far worse. But... I will move forward.  I will survive.  I will live life as richly as I can.  I can't let myself be defined by my pain, I need to continue on course as best I can.  

Thank you's... to my support system.

March 30, 2010 Issues tossed in my direction- and my thoughts

Isn't it funny how some people seem to see your success and throw all the negatives back at you to keep you bogged down- whether it be physically, mentally or emotionally.  Why is it our society thrives on beating down each other and not building each other up?  I'm not talking about co-workers, strangers or acquaintances- I am talking about family and friends who for their own reasons stir up the waters of our lives.  

In the past I've been tagged a drama queen and been told I feed off of chaos even to the point of creating it.  People, in general, jump to their own conclusions about other people without taking into consideration things like motive, personality, social factors, everyone thinks they know the other people so well.  (Even this blog could be seen as a way to 'get attention.'  I see it as a way to spread the warning.)

I know that the people who have said this about me, haven't had the opportunity to really learn who I am or what makes me tick. Frankly, I don't know if I want them to, because they'd just come to their own conclusions anyways. I will say that I'm not perfect, I'm very far from it.  

One of the instances that was dredged up- "You freaked out whenever you got back from your ________'s house." And then there is "You used to cry every time we took you home."

I had an insight at that time that they didn't have.  They came to their conclusions with their eyes- they based it on what they saw.  Thing is, how I acted or more accurately reacted stemmed from my emotions.  I've never been one to let my emotions out- people would know 'something was up' but they wouldn't know what.  (That behavior begs for assumptions to be made, I realize that now but as a child I had no idea.)  They didn't realize that I was soaking in everything they said, analyzing and making decisions based on my findings.  How would they expect me to act if they realized that listening to them blame the other for YEARS confused me and left me feeling alone.  Abandoned.  A burden.  Misunderstood.  Each day, each hour, I felt more like an outsider.  One party would make me feel as if I was a trouble maker and the other would make me feel like I was a fragile incapable child and yet another would make me feel as if things would never change and shouldn't.  I was confused.  I reacted how they expected me to react- but no one knew what was going on.

I thought the point of being guardians and parents was to uplift our children.  To urge the very best out of them.  I've noticed cycles within my family and circle of friends that nurtures the negative ideas.  Who is going to stop making assumptions?  Who is going to take a positive stand?  Who is going to decide that enough is enough?  

I hope that I'm taking steps in my own life not to make my daughter feel the way that I grew up feeling.  But that is the tricky thing, as a parent you really don't know until the damage has been done.  All I can do is be accountable, let her know when I've made mistakes and take corrective measures so the behavior becomes more positive.  

Another issue that has resurfaced lately and found its way into my 'issue filled' mind- 

What makes a grandparent?  Is it the time spent with the grandchildren that defines them?  or is it simply a relationship that exists within a family?  One thing I do know is parents won't change and we shouldn't expect them too.  I don't think that it is my place to decide what kind of a grandparent I want my mother or father  or Jeff's mom and dad to be  They are who they are.  I just have to accept that- but that isn't saying that boundaries shouldn't be in place for the safety of children (and the parents).  

Why subject your family to a negative environment or put yourself in a situation where you will be disrespected?  Because what you are saying is "this is ok".  Boundaries should be set before entering into situations because it is so hard to go back and fix a problem.  

The last 'issue' I"m throwing off is this... words can be poison.  If you have an issue and find it necessary to drag others into it- make sure those others get paid for it.  Go to counseling, talk to a pastor, or figure it out on your own.  Going to others not involved can cause emotional pollution and it could bring negatives into a person's life if they have not been trained to 'let things go.'  

I'm not saying that I won't be listening or that I won't be there- but I don't have the training to help with your issues and it is a waste of time and energy (for all involved) if you are just talking to talk.  You want change?  So, change.

If you have insights I have overlooked, feel free to pass them on to me.  We all have a right to our opinions and I for one look for chances to learn.

What have I been up to?

I haven't wrote in a while. (since being sick over Christmas break with pneumonia and then Jeff getting sick and having to take care of him) 

Yes, we were sick for Christmas.  It was one of the most tiring Christmas's I've ever had.  Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful.  We spent a lot of family time at home.  We unwrapped a whole bunch of great gifts. (Watching Journey dance and sing wearing her MP3 player is so worth the days of torment finding and cataloging music.)  We just coughed over each other and everything.  We also missed a lot of our holiday parties, which bummed us all out.  But I wouldn't want anyone to have gotten sick. 

The new year came and with it news that Jeff wouldn't be working for Jeld-wen any longer.  He's going to miss his work family.  Instead of dreading the changes, we're looking at it as a positive.  Now Jeff can go to school and learn skills that will take us closer to where we want to be as a family and also find something less stressing on his body.  Of course changes are happening- he may get unemployment but a strict budget is going to be needed to continue to pay our bills and move forward.  I found a fun budget tool at Google documents and have been playing around with it.  We still don't have important details, like how much Jeff's unemployment is actually going to be.  So, that's why I've only been 'playing'. 

The new year has also found me in pain, worse than any year before.  (I couldn't even stand up)   I went to the doctor and he's going to treat my pain as rheumatoid arthritis.  He put me on prednisone to get down the swelling in my hands.  It's working well.  He's running more blood work and I'm waiting for the results.  I've also done some searching online and found that certain foods may worsen inflammation.  Dairy products, Gluten and sugary foods when cut out of the diet of some people with rheumatoid arthritis have much less pain.  I'm still doing some research into it.  I'm dedicated to finding out why I hurt and dealing with the pain head on.  (Jeff being without work is a blessing in that way to.  Can't make the excuse "Jeff can't take time off to make that appointment with me." )

I've submerged myself into my astrology report and using my aspects found what things I need to put emphasis on.  That was a fun trip let me tell you!  I'm shocked every time  I go through my birth report.  I'm a interesting person (at least to me).  I mainly looked at the areas in my life that could be considered positives.  I want to bring those parts of me out more into the open. I've compiled a list of things to work on with ways to achieve my goals. It's been a daily battle, at times, to do the things I know I need to do.  That is part of the adventure though, I'll appreciate the hard work and dedication looking back.

The other task I've been working on is a writing a book for Journey.  It is a book that step by step takes her through her routines (wake up and before bed), and it also goes over some of her responsibilities.  It will be a photo book.  My hopes for it are that it helps her remember the things that she needs to accomplish so she doesn't find herself getting "told what to do" all the time.

Hopefully, my writing will be back on track since I'm finally caught up on all the housework from when I was sick.  

 

 

A day to remember, a day to celebrate the future of Ed McMellen

Today is a day of remembering the past, putting it to rest and looking forward to a new future.  My grandfather has played a huge role in my life.  He was more to me than grandpa, he was my popple.  He loved having fun and loved with his whole heart.  His gentle teasing, jokes and infinite wisdom was something that my soul would long for.  His eyes were windows where wisdom lived and were so kind.  I remember as a child swimming in lake Michigan and the Thornapple river, vacations up north, to Indiana, to Colorado and later when I moved with him and Grandma to Florida.  We had so many fun times, some of them absolutely silly but all of them intense.  He put all of himself into everything he did.  I remember walking Ionia fair grounds and the Barry county fair, meeting up with the venders that he'd serviced for Nickles bakery, they'd give him free food (because everyone liked my grandpa).  His soul was worn on his sleeve for the whole world to see.  

One of the many faces of Edger McMellen

A couple of years ago he fell, awakening arthritis throughout his entire body.  He still pushed himself through the pain and tried to live the life that he had.  But now his eyes shared host to something new, pain.   He was more short with people and often times would opt out of activities like shopping.  Still he gave of himself and sacrificed comfort to do what others wanted to do.  

Several months ago his pain became severe and one of his feet developed a sore.   The sore refused to heal.  He was in pain was debilitating.  He couldn't shop and as the sore grew, he couldn't do the everyday things that so many take forgranted.  I tried to be strong, but it has been so hard watching this all play out.  My memories have haunted me and brought tears to my eyes when he yells out in pain. He's been hospitalized for more than 30 days this year.  Finally, after all of this time, emotional turmoil and up's and down's, the decision to remove the foot has been made.  He is fine with it and feels that he tried everything that he could to save it.   

Today at 12:30 pm he'll be wheeled into surgery and his foot will be removed.   He'll be away from home for at least a month as he does rehabilitation.  I think Journey said it best though "With or without a foot he is still my Bopbop."  Although the road ahead will not be an easy one, I'm hopeful that his life will be more fulfilling without the foot and the excruciating pain that went along with it.  He said yesterday at the hospital that "him and grandma were going to live it up when this was over."   I know that his determination for my grandmother's happiness will make this a reality.  

A sad day, a day of hope, a day to remember and a day to celebrate the future- a future we don't know the outcome of but one that I know will be intense.

An affirmation- July 23, 2009

Today I need to focus power to applying emotional outlets which embrace my inner children 

to better vent hidden and suppressed desires without inhibitions.  

I need to hope for things to come.  With a positive energy they will be attained.  

I need to reawaken the parts of me that sleep, 

 accept them and what they can teach me, only then will I be whole.  

I need to let go of beliefs and ideas that are barren 

and adapt new fruitful behaviors that foster growth and enlightenment 

which I can build from as a base.  With that base I can find balance, peace and happiness.  

I need to connect to that which is bigger than myself, to the universal mind, 

to shine truth into the dark, to guide and to balance energy around myself, 

to change the world.  

I need to use the power available to me 

to turn my rants and ramblings into useable, tangible aspects of everyday life, 

not only for me and my family but to everyone who seeks to know and learn.  

I need to give of my talents, gifts, insights 

and I need to be willing to accept the talents, gifts and insights others offer me.  

I need to welcome this change with a positive mind, casting ego aside

 and illuminate these truths so that we can see 

we are all connected as one in our universe.  

Today I am thankful I am seeking to fulfill my purpose in the world,

 and that my life, my light 

will touch another soul. 

Simple Chakra Chart

I Am- Muladhara, root or base Chakra.  This Chakra provides energy used to create and maintain our foundation. This is the energy that keeps us on firm ground and provides us with the basic skills to uphold a place in the world.  Scents associated with opening this chakra are: Cedar, Patchouli, Musk and Sandalwood.  Gem stones associated with it are garnet, Hematite, black obsidian, black tourmaline, red zincite, and smoky quartz. 

I Feel- Svadhisthana, the sacral or spleen Chakra. This Chakra  supplies our emotional and sexual energy. This is the energy used to connect to others.

I ACT- Manipura, the power Chakra. This Chakra   provides the energy that fuels our strength of will, individuality and sense of self-worth.

I Love- Anahata, the heart Chakra.  This Chakra's energy concentrates on emotions..  This energy fuels your power to love, feel compassion and maintain balance between disparate aspects of your being.

I Speak- Vishuddha, the throat Chakra.  This Chakra is the energy center associated with communication and creativity.  Your energy to express yourself verbally and creatively are derived from here.

I See- Ajna, the Third Eye Chakra.  Ajna represents energies focused on both physical and spiritual vision.  Psychic powers resonate from the Ajna Chakra, as well as your image of the Cosmos as a whole (the big picture) and the many nuances that make your journey unique.

I Understand- Sahasrara, the Crown Chakra This Chakra represents energies associated with cosmic consciousness, spirituality, knowledge, wisdom and inner peace.

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakraevaltest.php

http://www.youtube.com/user/AstralShayde#play/user/391BD67C52094F7B

http://e-tarocchi.com/dailychakras/chakratoday.php

http://www.anmolmehta.com/blog/2007/12/09/free-online-illustrated-kundalini-yoga-poses-exercises-e-book/

I know this is usually seen red on bottom to white on top but I think putting the base at the top is a good reminder that nothing matters if you don't have a solid foundation to start from. (It helps ME remember because I'm so swept up in spiritual quests).  The colors symbolize what colors activate the chakras- each has their own elements, own scents, stones which work together to bring balance to a person.  

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm on a constant quest for balance.  That's why I began my studies into Feng Shui, to me this is just putting more emphasis on balancing myself- which will help me balance my surroundings.  I don't know how well I'm going to be able to 'sell' these ideas to maintain a consistent practice of them in my home.  Funny thing is the more balance I create in the home the more chaos I sense outside of it- which is the other reason I want to bring balance to myself now.  I don't want to be victim of the way the world is, a more balanced me would anchor myself (like a seat belt) on the roller-coaster of life.  

Just reading the explanations you can start to understand what could happen to you if one aspect is out of balance, I think I'll even take it a step further and say it could effect your over all health.  I've got several health conditions that I truly believe could have been avoided through a balanced life at a younger age.  Instead of making sure that I don't get sick- now I have no choice but to work to find healing.  Take care of your body, it is the only one you will ever have.  For me learning about the conditions that I have and adapting ideas to bring balance and simplicity into my life are bringing me closer to the life that I want and the person that I want to be seen as.  

I'm curious if anyone has anything else to add to this topic- I'd love more insight.  We are all teachers and students in the school of life.

Journey's first dance recital with Rapid City Dance Factory

June 9, 2009 Journey had her dress rehearsal.  The girls had so much fun waiting for their turn to get up on stage.  I hope it is a day that Journey remembers because I know that I will. 

Her performance was June 10, 2009.  Things didn't go perfectly.  In the rush to leave I'd forgotten her dance bag.  I hadn't even realized it until Journey and Miss Jenna walked up.  Jeff had to rush home to get it.  I was a nervous wreck, mostly due to Jeff's mom who was sure that Jeff wouldn't find it, if he did he'd get into an accident or he wouldn't get back in time.  Jeff made it back with one minute to spare.  Journey got her shoes and we got into our seats.  It was kind of a blessing in disguise though- Journey wouldn't have gotten to see my grandparents if it hadn't happened.

My grandparents were there.  My grandpa was in so much pain he would have to grimace and try not to cry out.  They weren't able to stay for the entire show but they were able to see Journey.  I looked over at them several times and I saw joy come over his face.  The pain seemed to disappear. 

The performance, Heroes vs. Villains, was beautiful.  I cried.  I was so proud of Journey, of all of the effort that she made during the dance and because I know how hard she worked practicing.

It was amazing.  All of the dancers did a wonderful job.  The show seemed to run smoothly.  I could tell how much effort went into putting on the show.  

I'm glad that I made the sacrifices that I made to get her into dance. 

How to get beyond my bubble?

I've found myself lately looking out into the world unable to understand.   My life has been for the most part isolated.  It's strange and I'm not really sure how to explain it.  I'm going to try though.  I know I can't be the only person to experience this.   Feel free to comment, I'd like to know what everyone thinks- opinions of others are great ways to learn.

When I was young my world consisted of my family.  My mother had few friends.  My dad's friends had a common past time which wasn't kid friendly- it meant I got to spend time with their kids.  My dad's parents had a lot of friends.  My mom's parents lived a life I couldn't understand and seemed very isolated.  I watched and tried to understand.

When I started kindergarten it became my time to make friends.  I had several things going against me by this time 1. I had started puberty and developed breasts and my classmates were quick to alienate me because of it and 2. my parents had separated and classmates and teachers used that against me when I was already feeling vulnerable.  I did manage to make a friend, her name was Leah Miller.  When I was in first grade a boy punched me in the stomach, Leah was the only person who left me and found a recess lady to help me.  I will never forget that.  (Leah died in a car accident several years after I'd moved away.  I mourned for a long time.)

I was held back due to 'emotional issues' in first grade.  I lost my friend.  She moved on.  I met another girl, Kelly Kleck.  I went to her birthday party.  I still felt like an outcast though.  I spent the day not playing with the other kids but talking with adults.  

I moved on from there to Dutton Elementary where I had 3 friends.  Robin, Chad, and Bryan .  I spent the night at Robin's house a couple of times.  I was beginning to think that I could have friends.  Until word got out  while I attended Caledonia Elementary about me being sexually abused.  I was alienated again.  Actually, it was more like a target was written on my face.  I lost my friend Robin, her parents forbid her to speak to me.  Her brother tortured me on the way home from school, saying horrible things and it actually became a mob of kids following after me. This went on about a year before my mom knew.  I did have several friends Danielle Foote and Dawn Littel.  By this time though, I kept my 'self' as private as I could.  And dove into a life of writing.  By 6th grade that is all I wanted to do, and it didn't matter if anyone liked me or not- because I just assumed they didn't.

I moved to Wyoming and attended Godfrey-Lee schools for only several weeks.  I immediately was pegged as a 'bad girl'... several kids tried to make friends with me but I pushed them away because to me they would never understand me.  I left there and moved to Hastings.   My first day of school as a 6th grader at Hastings I was threatened by an 8th grader.  I really became bitter.  In my head, I threw out the word friend and began using the word acquaintance.  I kept a lot of acquaintances.  I had 1 friend through middle school.  Meredith Carr, her and her sister were misunderstood and I felt at home with that.  I went to their home maybe twice.  We went to a movie once.  Other than that we only spoke at school.  

During high school I became even more alienated.  Giving up habits that brought me my acquaintances.  Moving with my grandparents and traveling between Hastings High School and St. Cloud High in Florida.  Meredith and her sister Amanda were still my friends (although I kept myself away from them emotionally- they felt I was 'too normal' and I couldn't understand them. ) I was also friends with Matt Armour, who I called boyfriend off and on in middle school also Matt's friend James and his friend Ryan- .  

 While I was in Florida my friend was a girl who I never knew her name- all I knew was that her dad's religion mandated that she wore skirts.  She spoke very little English and we just walked together.  I met a boy named Tim who went to another high school/ and my church.  I thought I had a friend named Tania but later found out it was a convenience friendship and didn't pursue it.

After making the decision to graduate in Hastings, I stayed there my Junior and Senior year.  Tim later moved to Michigan to join me.  This isolated me more.  I kept few friends and spent my senior year planning my wedding.  My closest friends included several some under classmen and Amanda Hawbaker.  I still sat with Meredith and Amanda at lunch but after hearing a comment made to a teacher "She thinks that she's a good writer, Ha ha ha ha blah blah blah blah" I began pulling away emotionally even more.  I got married and lost all of my friends.  I wasn't encouraged to 'hang out' or 'stay away' long.  

I led Youth at that time and became friends with Melissa.  I met a couple of friends through her.  Amie and Lindsay.  Melissa was the last friend I actually met on my own.  (Other than several online friends who I met when my marriage was in crisis.)  I don't know how to meet friends.  

I've become so bitter from my past experiences.  People who know me realize I put a lot of energy into my relationships whether it is family or friend.  I have become very wary of 'wasting' effort where it isn't going to be appreciated or isn't going to be long lasting.   I hate, HATE, hate making small talk.  I don't speak unless I have something to say. I'm not stuck up and I don't think I'm better than others, which I've heard said about me.  

All of this has made me realize that I have a very limited idea of life.  I spend my days in my little bubble world, with my garden, my family, very few friends and dreams for the future.  The one thing that keeps nagging at me though... I would like to have a friend that I could do things with.  I don't want Journey to think that isolation is normal.  I'd like to be a good example for her.  How can I make friends?  How can I get beyond my bubble?  I just don't know.

Beef jerky for wrist pain?

Alright, I know this sounds crazy but I can't deny the possibility.  Lately I've woke up to my fingers being curled up to the point where they have to be forced open (which causes intense pain).  For the past 4 days however it hasn't happened.  After the first day of waking up without my fingers being curled I started looking for a possible reason.  The only thing that I did differently?  I dropped my daughter off at school and went shopping for about 30 minutes.  Before leaving the store I bought beef jerky and a diet coke.  Today is the first day where I won't have copied that behavior since.  I still have regular hand and leg aches and pain but it is a definite bonus when I don't have to force open my fingers.  

I'm taking an active role in trying to figure out what is causing this abnormality because the doctors can't figure it out.  

I'm only 30 years old but I can't keep up with people even twenty years older.   On top of the pain there is an over all muscle weakness and fatigue that is sometimes near disabling.  Simple tasks like tying shoes or carrying a laundry basket becomes a reason to cry out in agony.  People around me just say "You are too young to feel that way!"  Duh! I'm scared that if this isn't figured out that my quality of life will just not be there.  Even more angering to me is the fact it isn't just MY life, my daughter and my boyfriend suffer right along with me.  There was a point this year that I literally had to pick up my legs with both hands to get into the car because I just didn't have the strength to do it alone.  

I am border line diabetic, suffer from hypothyroid, PCOS, Sjogren's Syndrome, carpal tunnel syndrome and chronic depression.  Every time I go to a specialist they say " It looks like you have______________ but I don't think that would cause your pain."   I know all of these things about me but dealing with these issues does not fix the pain so I know that there is another cause of it.  I've had extensive testing done since I was a child.  I started puberty at 3 years old, I was told that I had seizures that I would grow out of.   I've been to neurologist's, endocrinologist's and rheumatologist's.   

Earlier this week the pain was so bad that I was contemplating what I could do if I couldn't work anymore.  I babysit.  I think about not having that option and I know this sounds horrible but I know that with this pain I couldn't do any job.  Sometimes when my hands are really bad I can't even trust myself to pour coffee without holding the coffee pot with two hands.   I've never been one to cry out in pain or let on that I hurt- but now it is on almost a daily basis.  There are points of my day that I cry because the pain is so great-  the pain killers don't touch it.  (I hate taking them on top of that because I don't want to mask the problem, I want a diagnosis so I can begin to heal my body.)

I love to write, paint, exercise, do yoga, garden and I love to 'work'.  I used to be so strong when I was younger.  I love to go build things and help build things.   Now it's hard for me to do daily tasks and I am searching for other hobbies that don't require as much muscle control.  

I feel bad that I can't do the things I think that I should be able to do.  I try to be kind to myself and not get upset that I can't do what I once have.  That doesn't always happen though.  I feel broken, not just physically but mentally and psychologically too.  

So, what is it about the beef jerky that helps?  Is it the sodium?  The extra protein?  I'm not sure but I think it's worth following and if I find that it is tied to my curled fingers when I wake up, I will definitely be bringing that idea to my doctor.   I am not believing that it is the 30 minutes of walking, because when I have gone shopping without the beef jerky it doesn't have the same result.  I don't know but it's more than I had to go on a month ago.

  

Life's about a dream

Row, Row, Row your boat,

Gently down the stream,

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily

Life is but a dream.

I've sang it millions of times and heard it thousands more but it took my daughter's own creative spin on it to make the meaning of the song come to light.  Today started off as many of my days do, picking up the house, making sure Journey is up for school, etc.  Journey and my niece Grace were playing music on the floor.  Grace was playing the drums and Journey was using a homemade shaker.  Then they began to sing...

"Row, Row, Row your boat,

Gently down the stream,

Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily,

Life is ABOUT a dream"

My first reaction was to correct them but I quickly stopped myself because what they were singing was the truth.

I immediately began thinking about what they were singing. 

 Life is about a dream.  I've had many dreams in my life and let them go because I couldn't continue working toward one thing.  Life is always throwing obstacles at us and we tend to wonder off our path away from our goals which allows more things to interfere with what we originally wanted.  

Adulthood doesn't allow the 'idea' of the dream- adults are jealous creatures who give into that jealousy with cruel words and actions.  "If I can't achieve my dream you can't either!"  Kids get jealous but not about following their dream.   They are sure they have a purpose.   They don't let anyone change what they want out of life.  Anyone who's asked a kid to clean their playroom before dinner knows this.  

So many dreams are lost and tossed aside and each time it happens a part of us is lost with it.  If we don't worry about what other people say about our dreams, chase them without causing huge waves, and do it with the right intentions and motives- the dream would become the life that we live.  

What do I do with this thought?  How can I pass on what my daughter's taught me?    How can I row my boat gently down the stream, and do it merrily?  I'm not sure that I can do anything merrily anymore, at least not without changing a lot of negative self talk.  

I know that when I was young I had dreams of being a writer.  I've been told I have unique ideas and perspective but I lack the education and life experience.  I really don't know what it takes to be a writer and for so long I've felt that even if I have something the world must know- why would they listen to me?   When I was younger I believed that the world had to listen to me.  I would still love to do what I've dreamed.  I need to get myself out of the prison that my adultself has created and become free to follow that dream.  

Care to join me on a boat ride?  I'm not sure how I'll get there or where the path will go but I know the destination is all about a dream.